Have you ever wondered “What the heck are these people thinking?” while watching a marathon? After months of surveying road runners and subjecting them to in-depth neuroscience studies with more electrodes and microscopes than you can shake a stick at, here is your view into the mind of a first-time marathoner in motion….
1. Do you think everyone can tell this is my first marathon?
2. I hope no one thinks this is my first marathon.
3. We’re all huddled together like cattle. Well-trained, athletic cattle.
4. Are you kidding me? I forgot to load my meticulously-crafted “Marathon Mojo” playlist?
5. I mean, I don’t need music, right?
6. These running pants make me feel like Spider-Man.
7. There will be no knee pain, there will be no knee pain, there will be….
8. Is my family actually going to pay attention to their text alerts?
9. I hope I don’t have to pee halfway through this.
10. Hmm, that Mexican last night probably isn’t going to help either.
11. Note to self, look into Depends for runners.
12. Am I in the right corral?
13. Woah, I’m waaay closer to the start line than I should be.
14. I should have lied about my fastest time.
15. Do you think my girlfriend/boyfriend resents me for this?
16. Am I addicted to running like those crazy people I read about online?
17. Tip-toe running to the start line.
18. Aaaaaand we begin!
19. Already regretting this extra layer that I put on.
20. Kinda wish I would’ve worn gloves – maybe one of those ones with the key pocket. Next time.
21. What if I set a PR for this race?
22. Just keep on truckin’.
23. Why is that jackass running in a chicken costume?
24. You’re walking, ALREADY? Are YOU KIDDING ME? Back of the line, bro!
25. Earbuds keep falling out. Gaaaah!
26. His shorts are way too short.
27. I love Magnum too, but come on buddy.
28. What were the names of Higgins’ dogs? Was he really Robin Masters after all?
29. Nipples. Chafing.
30. What IS up with all these shoes with toes?
31. There is no knee pain. Mind over matter, mind over matter. Ohm… ohm…. Fight through it!
32. Just keep rolling.
33. Aaaaaaand a decline. Thank God.
34. WARNING: ENTERING RESIDENTIAL AREA
35. Wow, people still have lawn jockeys?
36. Cheerers! Some people are just born awesome.
37. High five! High five! High fi-nevermind, but I’ll take the thumbs up!
38. Just keep rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling….
39. Cameraman sighting, nice!
40. …Rawhide!!!
41. Smile or look cool?
42. Definitely look cool. “No pain no gain” face.
43. Can a brother/sister get a water station up in here?
44. Oh yeah, I’ve got GU!
45. All of these GU pouches on me make me look like a human vending machine, don’t they?
46. Gonna spend some serious QT with a Wonder Warmer on this knee when I’m done.
47. Just hawked up a nasty loogie.
48. Phew! No cameras.
49. Water station!
50. WARNING: 4 MILES TO GO
51. Gonna flyyyyyyyy nooooooooow. Flying hiiiiiiiiiiigh noooooooow.
52. Eye of the Tiger
53. Rocky III is WAY better than Rocky IV.
54. Clubber Lang, Thunderlips, Mick, it hat it all.
55. Whatever happened to the Hulkster, anyways?
56. Beer. I’m going to drink beer tonight.
57. Hey! There’s my family!
58. Mom made a sign too!
59. They stand around for one second of me passing by. Amazing.
60. That girl/guy has a reeeeeeeeally cute butt.
61. On your left buddy!
62. Dammit. I’ve really got to pee.
63. WARNING: APPROACHING HILL
64. Oh nice, that guy’s wearing a shirt from my alma mater. What upppppp!
65. Did that guy just puke? Watch out, land mine people!
66. That cop is literally eating a donut. Is this real life?
67. Is he mocking me? I want a donut!
68. I can’t believe I’m doing this.
69. Did I set my DVR for The Walking Dead tonight?
70. I’m WAY faster than zombies. Even running zombies from 28 Days Later.
71. I’m going to pass out after dinner for sure.
72. Yikes. I smell.
73. Forget the water station, I need a Frebreeze station.
74. Why did I think this was a good idea?
75. This frickin’ knee! Where’s my Wonder Warmer???
76. 1 mile to go. Engage Beast Mode.
77. Come on, push it to the limit. Like the song from Scarface.
78. Did anyone really think Pacino was Cuban?
79. Where… Is… The… Finish line?
80. Skip to fast-paced awesome runner song.
81. My post-race Facebook status is going to get so many likes.
82. WARNING: APPROACHING FINISH LINE.
83. AHHHHH, THE FINISH LINE!
84. Look like a champion dude/sister!
85. Photo finish time man, put on your Triumph face.
86. Oh man, you REALLY don’t want to hug me.
87. Alllllright hug me!
88. I hope I don’t end up on their website.
89. Free food and treats: best part of the race.
90. I’ll have one of those, three of these…. Oooo! Coupons!
91. Ah, the comfort of a foil blanket.
92. Now I know what a Kit Kat feels like.
93. Alright, now I’m hot again.
94. I am a GOD!
95. Ok, I’m not a god, but I feel amazing… and tired.
96. Medal? Nice! Think I’m going to channel my inner Mr. T and wear this for next week–do Mom and
the T proud!
97. Beer. Spaghetti. Chair. Wonder Warmer…
98. Ahhh……….
99. Victory!
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-- P. Hyland
